The Light in the Dark...

"Unless I have someday, ran my wandering mind away..."

It's quite comforting to know that I'm not alone in my views. I'm obsessed with Fleet Foxes Montezuma at the moment. It's my theme song (if I may be so bold). I cannot believe how each word in that song resonates so clearly to me and where I am. I have it on repeat at the moment. It makes swallowing the day easier.

The year is coming to an end. 10 days left. I would like to say that I have out grown the feeling of magic whenever the year turns. But alas, I think it is something ingrained in me. Or maybe it's just that I have yet to really grow up. Either way, I'm always hopeful that the new year will bring new things. Am I going to do the list? I don't think so. I think putting things on lists, especially, things that dictate your life, actually hinders the living part of it all. My dad would disagree. But I guess it's all a matter of perspective. If you want your life paths traced out for you, if you do not like surprises, then, yeah, probably a list or a plan will be brilliant.

But I have come to realize that I am not so good with routines. In fact, I'm terrible at it. To live my life according to a set of steps? It takes a huge toll. My wandering heart, my wandering mind, doesn't bode well with boxes and traced maps. I don't want to know what's behind the corner in front of me. I just want to walk towards it and meet it head on, come what may.

8 years of routine. 8 years of fatigue. I think I'm in need of some soul awakening. I hate this. I hate feeling this way. I hate being in such a dark place. I'm afraid the longer I'm down here, the further lost I will be. I'm struggling to hold on to the little light that I have. It is within this little orb of light that I still see the beauty in life - the pouring rain, a pretty face, a good story, laughter...

If there is going to be any wishes made for the new year, is that I hope that I do not lose my light...see you in the new year Skye, don't kill anyone now..

x

Foggy Weather

"You are not the same person you were yesterday..."

The haze outside is a little deceptive. Especially if I am inside enveloped in an artificial cold climate.  My brain imagines that it's foggy and cold as well outside and I have this urge to take a long walk in it. I am inclined to the rain and cold. I think there is something mysteriously beautiful about it. It's fall now in most parts of the northern hemisphere. Unfortunately I am living too close to the equator albeit being technically north of it. No yellowing leaves, no fuzzy drizzle, no rogue cold winds from the north to numb the senses.

From where I sit in my office workstation, I have sort of a half blocked view of the outside sky. Within this small space of blue (thick smokey grey at the moment - effin' haze...), I will myself to some far off place. I look up and out into the vastness, floating on the music playing in my ears and for a few seconds I see and feel fall all around me. It's strange stealing little moments like these during the day...

I visited my close friends over the weekend. And we ended up in a loud, blaring, stuffy, smokey club. I had not realized that I had grown up. Well in a way. You see, I had never enjoyed places like that before. Honestly. Just that when I was younger, compromise seemed easier. Those that I cared about loved it and thus I decided to go with the flow and tried to have fun. And I did have fun. Because my friends were happy and I can't help but be happy for and with them. But the other day, everything just felt off. Maybe it was because I had some stuff going on in my life. Going with the flow drains so much out of me, and frankly I was-am tired.

They were not impressed. I could see. I wish I didn't. I wished I was ignorant. But they, being the awesome people they were, left me to my own. A part of me felt bad, but then there was another part of me, that kept thinking, "Why are you wrought feeling what is true?" It should not be this hard to be yourself. What a predicament, to be surrounded by so many happy, giddy people and all you can do was fight off the tears that seemed determined to flow.

So here is my dilemma. Here is what I meant when I say I am grown up - I don't want to conform anymore. I want to be selfish (this sounded so much more righteous in my head :p) But I am still afraid of losing those that I care about. You'd say, "If they are true, they would still be by your side." I am still scared nonetheless.

I am so tired. I am so drained. The haze is deceptive. But I want to believe.

PS : Why is hot coffee gone cold so icky to me when I do actually enjoy iced coffee?

xo

Do You Realize??

“This world is a comedy to those that think; a tragedy to those that feel.”

- Horace Walpole -

This morning I woke up wondering if I could fit an easel in my room. I could always prop it close and lay it against the back wall when not in use. But then this will mean I might will get paint everywhere. I might will get into trouble. It's a good thought though. I should move it out from the KIV box into the go-ahead-go-crazy box.

Also, I thought about getting more socks. Those pesky sock goblins are at it again. Polka dots maybe? Or bananas? The Flaming Lips has got a whole bunch of points...hmmm...I need coffee...

x

Begrudging Yellow

"Do not trouble yourself much to get new things; whether clothes or friends...sell your clothes, keep your thoughts..." - Henry David Thoreau

Have never felt so much like being in a blender/food processor.

What a thought eh? Well, holding on to the rusty railings around me and watching the floor beneath me crumble slowly into some sort of black void that does not seem that dark.

Hold on.

Under the roof,

In a yellow room,

Eyes all around and voices scattered.

Want to disappear.

Want to dissipate.

Want to just meld into the furnitures that surround.

Feel the light heavy on top,

Is it just me?

Does the yellow begrudge me?

The room grows small,

Constricting slow but with conviction.

And you are far,

Too far for my empty,

Come on near...

x

Missing Socks

"I not know the difference between impressionism and expressionism. To me, both seem one and the same. They both take my breath away..."

I thought of you,

As the day begins,

And you are not nearly here,

Can't put into words,

But the sun shined anyway..

I can't go back,

So I put my hat on,

Quietly I let myself into the day,

Left home with a cup of coffee,

Watched as the door closed behind me...

Trodding on the fallen leaves,

Like stepping on different memories,

I'm always a little too late,

What can I say?

Maybe someday I'll make my own fate...

I don't know much,

I don't know where my favorite pair of socks went,

And you are not nearly here,

Can't put into words,

But I think of you...

x

Different Each Time

"...irrevocably, utterly, undisputedly broken. Hearts so often disintegrate and forms whole again in time. But it loses something each time. So I am each time a different person. I am not me..."

There is something that is different in these past days. I find it harder to breathe. Inhale. Exhale. I can't even bring myself to sit through completing writing a chapter nor finishing a sketch. Inhale. Exhale. Have I stopped working somehow? Like a broken clockwork contraption. Am I missing a piece of me? Inhale. Exhale. I'm looking ahead, staring at the walls in front. And I see only emptiness. What does all of this mean? I wish there is a booth somewhere that I can go to and just ask for answers. A place where they sell meaning on top of little wishes and bright sunshine in mason jars.

"Run away." I hear it at the back of my head all the time. A tiny whisper. A soft prayer. And I am on the verge to heed...

x

Intangible Exoticism

"...in those things that we cannot touch with our hands, in which we lose our souls to, these are what makes life an intangible exoticism..."

If I close my eyes, I can picture Paris on a rainy day. You know, the kind of rain that teases rather than drenches? That's what I see whenever I'm listening to Erik Satie. Have I told you that he is one of my favorite pianist? He's not traditionally classical. His works have a hint of jazziness to them. At least that's how I hear them. He emerged somewhere towards the end of the romantic era but his works are some of the most romantic that I've heard. Maybe it just appeals to me. I don't know. I can never really tell with these things. Sometimes there are some things that appeal to your heart and you don't have any answers as to why. And to me, that's okay. I'm curious yes but I'm not insistent on having answers to everything. A rainbow is beautiful just because it is.

Anyway, I met someone that I had not met in close to a year the other day. It was nice to be remembered. Anyone who says otherwise is just in denial. Oh how I love the little things. In a life full of thorns, I live my days in search of the roses in between. It might not be much, but it is enough.

Oh how doth my heart beats,

Oh how do I venture forth?

Now that I've again fallen,

For what I once had fallen for

Even for a brief moment...

Just a smile,

A glimpse of starry eyes,

And that voice,

The one that strums a symphony,

Surreal...

It all felt surreal,

Like stumbling into a lost dream,

Like dispersing into a song,

I always knew,

That weakness in me,

So I clench my heart,

Made sure it did not fly out,

In search of that brief moment,

Breathe in and exhale,

Maybe,

When my eyes open one of these mornings,

I find that smile by my side...

xoxo

A Little R&R

"...in times when we not know, is the time when we learn..."

It's really funny how we take for granted the most basic of stuff. I've recently gone for a minor surgery and it has left me somewhat challenged - movement wise. I wouldn't say I'm paralysed. Nope. That would be an 

exeggeration :p But it's suffice to say that I am disabled comparatively. 

I always thought that staying at home, in bed would be heaven. How wrong was I. Just 2 days into this and I am developing a severe case of cabin fever. I mean seriously. Sitting down in one position for hours on

is not fun. Yeah I have a 52 inch televsion in front of me but I soon realize that satellite/cable tv are predictable what with them running re-runs 90% of the time! If I'm not sitting in an awkward position, then I

would be lying on my bed - either just resting or sleeping. Yes, yes. most of you would be thinking - "OMG how awesome is that!!" But no, not for me. Lying down staring at the ceiling is boring. Sleeping too much is boring and I get this annoying pounding headache everytime I wake up from sleeping during odd hours of the day (stupid medications!).

So yeah. I miss being able to just jump out of bed and moving about to go do whatever the hell I want. And I actually miss going to work. Yes, I am not making that up. I know that I need to go through this in order to get better. Doctor's orders - plenty of bed rest! But I just can't help but feel annoyed about it all.

I am praying that I recover really quickly. It's me being a little bit naive and hopeful (official time-to-heal = atleast 1 month!). But there's no harm in a little hope. For now, I am trying my best to enjoy the time given to me to rest and recover. Try Skye!

xoxo

Obscura

"...sometimes I hide under covers, in the darkness of night, just to wait for the light..."

Imagine taking a picture with a camera obscura. Imagine holding a pose for more than 20 minutes. Imagine that. What do you think? Especially in the world that we live in now where time is everything and that snapping a picture in seconds is practically second nature.

            But I do wonder. About the camera obscura. That simple pinhole camera that have existed for a very long time. I wonder what it would be like to be standing in front of one – posing. But what goes through my mind is not how tiresome it would be. Instead, I am slightly dazed. Dazed in a good way – somewhere in the lines of amazed, yes. But why? Because you see, this ancient invention whose name literally just means ‘darkened room’ forced something that has long since to have been forgotten by men - men in pursuit of progress. The camera obscura forced you to live a moment in time. Long enough to get lost in it. Long enough for it to mean something and by which becomes meaningless as the next moment crashes into you to take its rightful place in your life. That’s what I think of about the camera obscura.

       And when I do think of it, though not as often as you might think I do, I look to my modern camera - this innovative device born from the brilliant obscura, whose name had also been passed down by it. How many times have I picked it up and clicked away blindly?

        So many sentiments we have lost through time. So many treasures, simple yet obscurely profound, like the camera obscura, the pinhole wonder box, the darkened room that lighted many hearts and minds.

xoxo

2014

"...once I wanted to be the greatest. No wind nor waterfall can stall me. And then came the rush of the flood, stars of night turned deep to dust..."

~Cat Power~

It's January. It's a new year. And the past year, I've felt like I've been hovering in some sort of limbo. I was neither here nor there. Not entirely lost, yet not found neither. I've had to search for my smile regularly. I've discovered parts of myself that I had never known to exist. And there were parts that I hid from the world.

It's January. It's a new year. I wish it would be a weird one. A weird wish I know. But time moves in a linear, forward progression and I am no God to stop it. Like a stranger on a train, I travel ahead, a reluctant slave to this momentum. Where am I heading? I cannot tell. But forward I go. I can only hope that on my way, I find the things that can fill my soul with much love and light.

It's January. It's a new year...

xoxo

Self Preservation...

...I wanna close my eyes and never open them again...

I should not have left the island. I knew better. I remember telling myself not to. But I didn't listen. I thought it would be different. I believed and now I'm left to fend for myself again. I should have known that there is no

other place that welcomes me. The island is where I had been. It is where I should remain. Why did I believe?

Et je pense à ces instants fragiles,

ces quelques jours tout près de toi,

et je reviens seule sur cette île

puisque la vie passe et puis s'en va...

Et je pense à ces instants fragiles,

ces quelques jours tout près de toi,

et je reviens seule sur cette île

puisque la vie passe... sans toi...

-Circus-

x

I Need an Ambulance...

breathing get's a little harder now...

xoxo

Its too late now...

Today I punched a wall. It hurt. But I would like to do it again. This usually means one has gone crazy. I punched a wall and I liked it.

xoxo

You'll Be Ok

"Mistakes. They happen. In variable degrees. How do you define a person against their mistakes?"

I will never judge what you did. Who am I but just a human like you? And I told you that it is ok. And I told you that my love for you will never waver. You will be ok.

But you're on an island. Surrounded by miles and miles of deep open seas. Not a boat in sight. Sometimes not even the light. You've put yourself there. You've decided to be alone. 

I understand. 

But I will not give up.

Not on you. Not ever. Because even if this is a battle that you must face on your own. Even when the rain of arrows sing down for you solely, I will never leave your side. Even if all I can do is to pick you up when you fall so that you can soldier on again. I am the rain in your desert. That light in your dark. I am your friend.

So pull yourself right out of this. I know you can.

"You can't go back to yesterday, because you were a different person then"

-Lewis Carroll-

PS: All you need to do is turn around. And I'll be there. I'll always have your back.

xoxo

Where Can I Find Cat Tails to Blow?

'...and you are the wolf and I am the moon...and in the endless sky we are but one, we are alive...in my dreams, my wolf and I...'

The scarcity of greenery in a bustling metropolitan city can be a little bit depressing. I long to lie on endless grass fields. Bathed in the light summer sun and scented with impending summer rain. Pick a cat's tail, blow it into the wind. Watch it disappear into the sky. Hope it lands on someone special.

xoxo

Every Damn Morning...

"Broken. Shattered. Fading to pieces. Art. Emotion. Two of a kind."

Cannot seem to go to bed early. Regretting it every damn morning. I'm stuck in a loophole of my own doing. Am I stupid or what? 

Probably a little stupid and a whole lot stubborn...What gives Skye??

Where ever you are - I hope you're learning to smile again...

x

The Ghost Inside

Was it all for show?

To turn into all of them

Turning a page

Trust me darlin'

I'm carving 'em up through the dust in your town

Crawling over rubble, just to sound me out

Tend to wonder why?

-Broken Bells-

The trick is to keep breathing. Seems easy enough. You stop breathing, you die. But there are many types of death...

You see what I did there?

xoxo

Lashes...

"The curve of your lashes,

How it darkens with each blink,

How it compliments your eyes,

How I long to brush it..."

"...It strikes me so odd how long I had lived my life without ever realizing

how much is it I like them. It seems so apparently obvious and natural to

me now..."

It's nearing the end of July now. I have no idea where time has been flying off to. It seems like every time I wake up from sleep, a decade has just gone out the window. Melodramatic? Well, it deserves that. Deal with it. I don't want the need to feel anything. But it's always and onslaught of emotions that chases me down the street. Even following me onto the bus I hop on in the morning. Buses are fun.

I can't stand all these things I've held on to. Railings at the edges of skyscraper rooftops seems like a hindrance. Life needs to be lived without the restrictions of handrails. The edge of the end. At least then, being chased by emotions can seem like a norm. Can you see it?

I should go to see God. Maybe staving off of religion is bad for one's spiritual health. I should also then go the gym. I guess the same theory should apply. Maybe?

In the meantime I'll bury my nose deep in my books and surround myself with as much music that makes me feel hipster-ish...I'm weird...

xoxo

PS: Why won't you come online Spotify??? I need my dose of Indie....

Lisztomania

'...it's like, songs, sort of, speaks my mind in ways I can't speak with my own words...what's that all about?'

I think I live too much in my head most of the times. I'm afraid it will start to amalgamate into one soon and I would not be able to tell the difference between fantasy and reality. That's when I will need to check myself into rehab. Are those sort of thoughts a little bit psychotic you reckon? I think it is a bit creepy. But I kinduh enjoy it a little...hmmm...

"Let's go slowly, discouraged,

We'll burn the pictures instead

When it's all over we can barely discuss

For one minute only

Not with the fortunate only

Thought it could have been something else

These days it comes it comes it comes it comes it comes and goes

Lisztomania

Think less but see it grow

Like a ride, like a riot, Oh!

Not easily offended

Know how to let it go

From a mess to the masses"

-Pheonix-

It's Antoni Gaudi's birthday today. Happy Birthday Antoni. You'd be 161 today if it was not because you got knocked down by a tram. Of course, it doesn't necessarily mean you would have lived till today if you weren't road kill =\ Anyhu, I really love your work and I hope that one day soon I'll be able to visit them. To revel in your weird architectural inspirations is one of my top lists of stuff to do.

xoxo

PS : I just realized I was conversing with a dead dude...I might need to check into rehab sooner that I thought...

PPS : But then again, many a sane people have had conversations with the non-living...rehab can wait...

I Don't Know...Maybe...

"...falling petals, like falling tears, they exist only for a split second but they stay for a much longer time, don't they?.."

I've been listening to a lot of Indie music lately. I've always loved Indie music, but just that lately its been constant. It's good stuff. Doesn't make me wanna pull my hair out hehehe...the drums, the guitar, the soft but

gruff/rough angst ridden voice and the overall feel that says "f*** the world!"...I think I'm turning into a hipster =\ you guys reckon it's good thing or bad?

But I think I can see myself as one. Despite the fact that I'm typing away - a mindless corporate drone. I'm such a tragic contradiction *sigh*.  Frustrating. But I guess that's part of being a hipster? Or was that part of

being an artiste? You know, the strugglin', tortured soul type? Gahhhh!

I've just finished my coffee. Staring at my empty paper coffee cup. Lana Del Rey playing in my head..."Let's take Jesus off the dashboard, got enough on his mind..." Just a start to another Wednesday (how do you spell Wednesday?? - looks awfully wrong to me...)

xoxo