"You are not the same person you were yesterday..."
The haze outside is a little deceptive. Especially if I am inside enveloped in an artificial cold climate. My brain imagines that it's foggy and cold as well outside and I have this urge to take a long walk in it. I am inclined to the rain and cold. I think there is something mysteriously beautiful about it. It's fall now in most parts of the northern hemisphere. Unfortunately I am living too close to the equator albeit being technically north of it. No yellowing leaves, no fuzzy drizzle, no rogue cold winds from the north to numb the senses.
From where I sit in my office workstation, I have sort of a half blocked view of the outside sky. Within this small space of blue (thick smokey grey at the moment - effin' haze...), I will myself to some far off place. I look up and out into the vastness, floating on the music playing in my ears and for a few seconds I see and feel fall all around me. It's strange stealing little moments like these during the day...
I visited my close friends over the weekend. And we ended up in a loud, blaring, stuffy, smokey club. I had not realized that I had grown up. Well in a way. You see, I had never enjoyed places like that before. Honestly. Just that when I was younger, compromise seemed easier. Those that I cared about loved it and thus I decided to go with the flow and tried to have fun. And I did have fun. Because my friends were happy and I can't help but be happy for and with them. But the other day, everything just felt off. Maybe it was because I had some stuff going on in my life. Going with the flow drains so much out of me, and frankly I was-am tired.
They were not impressed. I could see. I wish I didn't. I wished I was ignorant. But they, being the awesome people they were, left me to my own. A part of me felt bad, but then there was another part of me, that kept thinking, "Why are you wrought feeling what is true?" It should not be this hard to be yourself. What a predicament, to be surrounded by so many happy, giddy people and all you can do was fight off the tears that seemed determined to flow.
So here is my dilemma. Here is what I meant when I say I am grown up - I don't want to conform anymore. I want to be selfish (this sounded so much more righteous in my head :p) But I am still afraid of losing those that I care about. You'd say, "If they are true, they would still be by your side." I am still scared nonetheless.
I am so tired. I am so drained. The haze is deceptive. But I want to believe.
PS : Why is hot coffee gone cold so icky to me when I do actually enjoy iced coffee?