Monday, December 21, 2015

The Light in the Dark...

"Unless I have someday, ran my wandering mind away..."

It's quite comforting to know that I'm not alone in my views. I'm obsessed with Fleet Foxes Montezuma at the moment. It's my theme song (if I may be so bold). I cannot believe how each word in that song resonates so clearly to me and where I am. I have it on repeat at the moment. It makes swallowing the day easier.

The year is coming to an end. 10 days left. I would like to say that I have out grown the feeling of magic whenever the year turns. But alas, I think it is something ingrained in me. Or maybe it's just that I have yet to really grow up. Either way, I'm always hopeful that the new year will bring new things. Am I going to do the list? I don't think so. I think putting things on lists, especially, things that dictate your life, actually hinders the living part of it all. My dad would disagree. But I guess it's all a matter of perspective. If you want your life paths traced out for you, if you do not like surprises, then, yeah, probably a list or a plan will be brilliant.

But I have come to realize that I am not so good with routines. In fact, I'm terrible at it. To live my life according to a set of steps? It takes a huge toll. My wandering heart, my wandering mind, doesn't bode well with boxes and traced maps. I don't want to know what's behind the corner in front of me. I just want to walk towards it and meet it head on, come what may.

8 years of routine. 8 years of fatigue. I think I'm in need of some soul awakening. I hate this. I hate feeling this way. I hate being in such a dark place. I'm afraid the longer I'm down here, the further lost I will be. I'm struggling to hold on to the little light that I have. It is within this little orb of light that I still see the beauty in life - the pouring rain, a pretty face, a good story, laughter...

If there is going to be any wishes made for the new year, is that I hope that I do not lose my light...see you in the new year Skye, don't kill anyone now..


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